"Date of birth, please..."
We don't care about your name.
I am fortunate to go to good doctors with whom I’ve had long relationships and nothing but good care. (I switched away from a couple of doctors so I can fully say that.) That is quite a privilege. I live in a city with good medical options, and I have good-enough insurance and can cover the gap on plenty of things. So I’m not writing about healthcare per se.
I’m writing about missing the opportunity to recognize the humanity of someone, the essence and specificity of someone. That’s my thing. That’s the drumbeat I’m most likely to take up… the incessant urging of all of us to actually look at and recognize each other’s glory, to know a name, to hear a story even.
So when I call a doctor’s office to schedule an appointment, and when asking who I am so they can slot me in, they start with, “Date of birth?” I want to scream. I want to answer with my name. It’s dehumanizing to start with a birthdate.
On a phone call, in the absence of a face looking at us with kindness and interest, the next most intimate thing is using one’s name. So why not start there?
The opposite of this happened last weekend at church. I was visiting a church that I have been to probably 10-15 times over the years. I hadn’t attended in more than a year. Before the service, an elderly lady in an adorable brown cloche came over to say hello. She greeted me with a hug and shared that her name was Sheila. As the service progressed, with Sheila sitting far across the sanctuary from me, the pastor invited anyone visiting for the first time to stand up. I didn’t stand up, having been there many times.
Sheila rushed over, a long distance, and asked why I didn’t stand up. I told her it wasn’t my first time. And she answered, “Well I had to be sure because I didn’t want you to get overlooked.” I could have cried. What kind, personal attention and attunement from dear Sheila, my new favorite person.
Where can we notice a person and find out their name and use it?
How can medical software or practice norms be reconfigured to start a conversation or interaction with a person’s unique name (and ask the birthdate only if they have 14 “John Smiths” in the practice)?
What practices orient us to actually seeing someone, not just generically but specifically?
I love that approach. Very YOU.
In order to set a positive tone when I am trying to get overseas help on electronics or anything, when a person answers, I say "I am so happy to get a live person and not a chatbot". Thank you for listening to and helping me solve my problem. My name is Ruth. What is yours?" So we begin as connected AND I remember that this person will try their best to help me, name to name. I hardly ever get frustrated now because I use their name and when they help me successfully, I praise them by name to their supervisor. So satisfying to catch people doing well on a name basis.